Why Your Relationship Feels Different After Kids (And What You Can Do About It)
- Claire Smith
- Aug 1
- 2 min read
You knew things would change once you had children.
Less sleep. Less time. More laundry. More love.
But maybe you didn't expect your relationship to feel so... tense.
So distant. So "off."
If you've ever thought "we're just not the same anymore," you're not alone.
The truth is, parenting doesn't just change your schedule... it changes your dynamic. And if no one ever told you that, you're not the problem.
Let's break it down.
Why The Shift Happens
The Mental Load Is Lopsided
If one partner is carrying more of the invisible work - planning, remembering, anticipating - it breeds resentment. Over time, that resentment shows up in tiny blow-ups, cold silences, or feeling emotionally disconnected.
Your Roles Have Changed
You're not just partners anymore. You're co-parents, teammates, logistics managers. And without intentional effort, it's easy for the romantic connection to slip into the background.
There's Less Time for Intimacy
And I don't just mean sex. I mean touch, affection, meaningful conversations, inside jokes. These things get crowded out by routines and responsibilities - especially when exhaustion is a constant.
Your Needs Have Changed (But No One's Talking About It)
You may need more help, more space, or more emotional support than you used to. But if those needs go unspoken - or worse, unmet - frustration builds.
It's Not Just You
So many mothers carry quiet sadness around their relationship:
"We don't talk the way we used to."
"I feel like I do everything and still get criticised."
"I miss feeling wanted, chosen, understood."
And here's the thing: you can love your partner and still feel unseen.
You can be grateful for their efforts and still feel unsupported.
You can stay committed and still long for more.
What You Can Do To Reconnect
Name What's Changed
Sometimes just saying, "I feel different in this relationship since becoming a mum" is the first step to rebuilding connection.
Get Honest About the Load
Are you managing the household, the calendar, the emotional regulation and the mental checklists? Start tracking what you carry. Then invite your partner into that conversation.
Switch from Criticism to Clarity
Instead of "You never help," try "I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'd really appreciate it if we could split dinner and bedtime tonight." Clear requests often go further than frustration alone.
Carve Our Micro-Moments of Intimacy
You don't need a full date night to reconnect. Try:
Holding hands while watching TV
Leaving each other a voice note
Sharing one honest sentence a day ("Today was hard. I'm feeling stretched thin.")
It's not about grand gestures - it's about emotional presence.
Rebuilding Doesn't Mean Starting Over
Your relationship doesn't need to be what it was before kids.
But it can evolve into something just as meaningful - maybe even more so.
The key is noticing where the gaps are - and gently working to close them.
You don't have to do that alone.
Want Support?
If this feels familiar and you're ready to start improving the emotional and mental load balance in your relationship, I am available for 1:1 counselling sessions.
Because healthy connection starts with being seen, heard, and supported.
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