Why Do I Feel Like I'm Not A Good Enough Mum?

If you've ever found yourself lying in bed replaying the day, wondering if you yelled too much, cuddled enough, or completely messed up this whole motherhood thing - you're not alone.

So many mothers carry the quiet, painful belief that they're not a good enough mum. It's one of the most common struggles I hear, and yet it's rarely talked about openly.

Let's explore why these feelings show up, where they come from, and how you can begin to soften them.

Where Does "Not Good Enough" Come From?

The feeling that you're not a good enough mum doesn't come out of nowhere. It's often built from a mix of invisible pressures, cultural expectations, and internal beliefs that pile up over time.

Here are some of the most common sources:

1. The Motherhood Myth

There's an unrealistic story we've been sold - that a "good mum" is endlessly patient, always present, perfectly balanced, and rarely struggles. The reality is that no one can live up to this version of motherhood because it isn't real.

But when we fall short of this myth (because we all do), we blame ourselves instead of questioning the impossible standard.

2. Social Media Comparison

We see carefully curated snapshots of other mothers - the tidy homes, the smiling babies, the patient parenting moments - and compare them to our messy, unfiltered, behind-the-scenes life.

What we don't see are their hard days, their tears, their self-doubt. We compare our whole story to someone else's highlight reel.

3. Unhealed Personal History

Sometimes, feeling like you're not good enough as a mum links back to your own upbringing. You might be carrying old wounds, messages from your childhood, or perfectionist tendencies that now show up in how you parent.

If you were raised believing you had to earn love through performance, being useful, or getting things "right", it can follow you into motherhood.

4. Mental Load and Exhaustion

When you're stretched thin, constantly making decisions, and carrying the weight of everyone's needs, it's easy to feel like you're always falling short. Sometimes it's not that you're doing a bad job. It's that you're doing too much and running on empty.

Common Thoughts Behind "Not Good Enough"

Mothers who feel this way often carry thoughts like:

• "I'm ruining my child."

• "I should be coping better."

• "Other mums don't struggle like this."

• "I should be grateful, not frustrated."

• "I can't get it right, no matter how hard I try."

These thoughts feel true, but they're often distorted by guilt, exhaustion, and unrealistic expectations.

Why It Hurts So Much

When you care deeply about being a good mum, the thought that you're not good enough cuts straight to the core.

It's painful because it matters.

Motherhood taps into our sense of identity, purpose, and self-worth in a way few other roles do. When you feel like you're failing at motherhood, it can feel like you're failing as a person - even though that's not the truth.

How To Challenge the "Not Good Enough" Story

You won't snap your fingers and banish this belief overnight. But you can begin to loosen its grip, gently and over time.

Here's how:

1. Notice and Name It

Start by catching the thought when it shows up:

"I'm noticing the story that I'm not a good enough mum is here again."

This small pause helps you step back from the thought, instead of being swallowed by it.

2. Ask Where It Came From

Is this thought truly yours?

Or did it come from a social media post, your own upbringing, cultural messaging, or someone else's expectations?

Often, we internalise beliefs that aren't actually ours.

3. Check the Evidence

When you think, "I'm failing", ask yourself:

• What would my child say?

• What would my best friend say if she heard me talk about myself like this?

• Is there another perspective I'm missing?

Challenging the evidence doesn't dismiss your feelings - it simply opens the door to a more balanced view.

4. Define 'Good Enough' on Your Terms

What does being a 'good enough mum' look like for you? Not perfect. Not always calm. Just good enough.

Maybe it's:

• Being present some of the time, not all of the time.

• Repairing after hard moments.

• Showing your child that you're human, too.

When we define good enough for ourselves, we can drop the impossible standard.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

When mum guilt flares up, respond to yourself like you would to a struggling friend:

"You're doing your best. This is hard. You're allowed to be human."

Self-compassion isn't letting yourself off the hook - it's creating enough safety to grow.

Final Thoughts: You Are Already Enough

You don't need to earn your worth as a mother. You don't need to prove yourself by doing more, sacrificing more, or holding it all together.

You are already enough - even when you lose your patience, even when you cry in the laundry, even when you need time away from your kids.

Motherhood isn't about perfection. It's about connection, repair, and being human with your child.

If this "not good enough" story is weighing on you, you don't have to untangle it alone. Therapy can help you gently explore these beliefs, make peace with your imperfections, and reconnect with the mum you truly are.